Rewind

I realize I just kind of started this blog without so much as an introduction. First, if you haven’t noticed, I’m a little non traditional in my writing style. I think I’ve earned the right to be a little loose. Besides I’m inviting you into my world not trying to ascribe to the rigid rules of academia. Okay let’s be real, I think the nerve endings from my fingers to my brain and eyes have their own little brain because my hands correct typos and oddities faster than I realize I’ve made them. Just the same I like to describe my writing style as loose…loooosey goooosey (say it with yo chest)! LOL

On the topic of the title, FAB is not short for fabulous, FAB is an acronym that was created by my friend Kristina F. eons ago. It stands for Fine Ass Bitch! Yup, so my blog is actually called Nic Fine Ass Bitch – A Fat Girl’s Diary. The original and main purpose was for me to document my journey to and through my upcoming gastric bypass. Here’s the thing, the journey actually started almost ten years ago.

I had just gone back to college and was working hard chasing my parchment paper. I also noticed that my gluteus maximus was more maximus than normal. My clothes were getting tighter; I didn’t want to dance as long at the club and my back was C-I-L-L-ing me (shout out to Eddie Murphy if you don’t know you need to catch some old SNL STAT!). So (ß I just realized I say so too much) I was talking to my PCP NP Britian (love love LOVE her best person ever to work for Kaiser, her and my peds doc, Dr Bonar who agreed to keep me until I was 19 then kicked me to the curb—literally cause I wasn’t budging! Lol) Where was I? NP Britian suggested gastric bypass. We had a long chat and I was all game for it so we started the process. OY VEY is an understatement! First of all they let this crazy ass woman run the support meetings that you are REQUIRED to attend. She believes herself to be concerned and nurturing but she is far from it. I quickly became annoyed with her and resented having to attend meetings with a bunch of cry babies. I remember her name but I’m not printing it here. I can even describe her right down to that crazy head of nappy curls she has. Those curls needed some love, they could of been so much more luxurious looking.

Sigh, this is the thing about my blog, I started the above entry two days ago. I seriously meant to come finish it but I'm bored already. My desire to shareis gone. Ask me a question if you will and I will answer it.

After all, it's just important to know that I've been on this journey a long time and the time is almost near. I'm so excited! <---- I'll be saying that a lot.

Can't pass a deal up!

So yesterday my sisters and a cousin took our grandma shopping, she loves WalMarts! (Yes dayumitt, I added an S cause that's how she and a whole bunch of others say it much to this teachers chagrin.) Anyhoo, I'm leaning on the cart (what, my back hurts dayum that Arthur) and decide to push some shirts over and sit on a rolling shelf (I made sure the wheels were locked, didn't want to give my family something to laugh about or be fodder for my granny's wit). I'm looking at all the cute clothes that WalMarts has and realizing I'll be able to fit this crap in a few months, utter coolness cause fat girls clothes are expensive as hell and you can forget digging through clearance because it's all the ugly shit that Madge is looking for any dayum way! So as I was saying, I look over and I see this really cute pj set. Purple and gray--winner on the color scheme. The tshirt was purple, the boxer shorts were purple and gray and it came with purple and gray striped leg warmers. Now normally, I'd look at stuff like that and say oh this will look cute on such and such friend or I'll get this for my niece, sister etc. Mind you, I'm broke and I mean seriously BROKE! Funds depeleted, the Governator rode me bareback with no vaseline for almost two years broke. (I HATE that so and so!) I saw this woman and her daughter stop, look at the outfit, pick it up and then put it down. I could tell they were still thinking as they kept on walking. I decided to check it out...FIVE BUCKS?! Seriously lady, you put it down and it was FIVE BUCKS?! I checked the size, Large..and put it in the cart I was pushing for my sister. HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSS yes! I bought my first post-op clothing and I can't wait to wear it!

Am I afraid of having surgery? Hell no, not if I can buy whole outfits for FIVE DOLLARS! No wonder my cousins have so many dayum clothing items! If I can find a pair of socks in the fat girl store for five bucks that's a deal. Ok wait, I did see some drawls on clearance for $1.99 but the tag had been ripped off which meant they were a return item. No thank you, you can keep your $1.99 drawls, I'll save some money and pay full price for my bloomers, thanks!

Randomness

The birth of this diary...on January 8th, I found myself sitting and thinking, thinking and sitting. I realized this year was going to be a big change for me and as I reflected on that I found my iphone in my hand as I started to type the random thoughts that were on my mind. When I was done, I realized I needed to start a blog and be dedicated about recording my thoughts on my upcoming weight loss surgery, the journey it took me to get here, the people in my life and just everything else. Here I go:


This birthday will be the first one where I'm not overweight. Though I appreciate and love my curves, the extra stomachs and the aches can go--forever.

I will be leery of those that will like me all of a sudden and mourn the loss of those that only liked/loved me because I was fat.

Like him...I see, I really do but am I so starved for affection that I will turn a blind eye and a deaf ear? This isn't me. I feel nothing, I'm numb.

I'll be 40 next year. I realize that no one has ever loved me. Love doesn't know me. I thought I knew love, I thought I have been giving love, giving myself but I don't know if that is love either. It doesn't matter because they all keep taking. Doesn't matter blood or water they take -- and I give.